Sitting here at the kitchen table on the fifth floor of my friend’s fancy window-encased flat overlooking beautiful Dublin, I have so many feelings about throwing in the legal towel and leaving this place I have called home for the past 7 years of my life. It took a lot of thought, meditation, walks in nature and time to arrive at this place within where I am able to pack up my life (I mean literally my stuff is boxed up and spread across three homes around the city!) and head out into the unknown. To embark on a journey of healing and learning at 37 years old may sound flakey to some but the Universe has made my current life so uncomfortable that trading in security for uncertainty is my only option! (It was either Dr. Wayne Dyer or Gabby Bernstein who said, "you will know when the time is right because the Universe will make it so uncomfortable for you" - they are both amazing teachers). And if I am going to be able to help people the way I want to I have no choice but to take this leap of faith.
My journey is figurative and geographical - I’ll be hitting up as many sacred sites as possible on my path - first stop is the US (Seattle, Las Vegas, Indian Springs, NV, Navajo Lake, UT, Sedona, and Joshua Tree) , followed by the Sacred Valley in Peru and a stint in the Amazon (the thought of snakes and parasites no thanks but there will be monkeys and a swimming pool right under the canopy so I think I can cope;) Next I’m off to Nepal and Tibet to spend time learning from monks and shamans the ways to live a life of peace and harmony...that is aside from retreating to a mountain top in solitude for the rest of our days, because I do not think there are enough mountain tops for each of us! As a part time yoga and meditation teacher I get to see what ails people and though all my students are different, they all have (WE all have) one thing in common, we suffer and we disconnect and I want to help people end their suffering and disconnection. “Suffering” is a whole other blog post and for those not familiar with the concept it is not as dramatic as it sounds, you may be saying to yourself, “I don’t suffer” but if you experience anger, resentment, anxiety, self-judgment or jealousy to name a few, then my friend you subscribe to the human condition of suffering;)
The main feeling I have about where I am is that of alignment, don’t get me wrong there are alot of nerves too, the usual emotions that arise when facing the unknown and uncertainty - but I am overcome with a deep sense of knowing in every cell of my being that I have made the right decision. Many people told me I was foolish, not because they didn’t believe in me rather because they were projecting their own fears on me - fears of failure, rejection, inadequacy...and I don’t blame them, we all have these fears, they were at the forefront of my psyche for a long time but miraculously once I changed my internal dialogue from negative to positive, for example: “they will judge you if you fail, you don’t know enough, who is going to hire you/work with you” to “they will admire you for your courage, you have years of experience and wisdom to share, people are already ringing down your phone to work with you” (which is all true) I felt my body, heart and soul start coming into balance, for perhaps the first time in my life.
I am reminded of Ghandi’s famous words: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” I had been doing alot of thinking and saying but not doing of what made me happy and now that I am doing, I am in harmony. I do not have a clue what my future looks like on this new path but having thought I had a clue in the past of what my future looked like, I realise now, was an all an illusion. I think we have all played this trick on ourselves, cue Eckart Tolle’s the Power of Now shoutout!
Getting back to the kitchen table in the fancy flat, the sky outside is blue and the clouds are fluffy which is uncommon in Dublin so I am taking them as a congratulatory parting gift from Mother Earth...thank you mama:) I am also thinking about how I will miss my friends, my meditation community I’ve grown so close with, my therapist, my favourite lunch spot, Govinda’s, my fav food shop, Lotts & Co (even though it breaks my bank;), my tri-weekly walks through the memorial gardens, my very newly adopted hobby of dipping in the freezing cold ocean (I finally understand)...and cups of tea - having cups of tea anywhere other than Ireland just doesn’t feel the same and it took my years to get it but now that I’ve gotten it it can’t be forgotten. (heart)
In addition to all the things I’ll miss about Ireland I am thinking of my upcoming adventure and truly have no expectations other than that I will learn and I will grow and I will share whatever wisdom I acquire that can be of help to others. Everyone keeps going on about what an amazing, fun time I will have and I have no doubt that I will but this journey is one of self exploration...I am not going to “have a good time” (obviously, I’m not going to have a shit time either) rather I am going to tear my chest wide open so I can see into the center of my heart and get to know the depths of my soul, I am going to learn what it means to be a human being, I am going to love, I am going to live.
I am detouring from the normal trajectory of what my life was supposed to look like, the picket fence, the husband, the paid maternity leave, kids’ soccer games, bake sales and family vacations and if I stay doing what I am doing maybe it will look like that soon but If I go maybe it will look like something even more wonderful than I have yet imagined for myself. I am open to it, I am trusting the Universe on this journey because I know there is a reason my life doesn’t look like what everyone expected - my reason for being here is not to help shareholders make money it is to help people thrive and connect so I am choosing not to live in fear of the unknown...I am choosing to live in a place of infinite possibility...there anything wonderful can and happen...and will.